If I forgive do I have to stay?

If I forgive do I have to stay?

If I forgive will he or I truly change?

Did he ever really love me? Because I did really love him.  Everyone says that we were the perfect couple and no one saw this coming.  There was nothing perfect about us.  What you saw was what I wanted you to see.  The lies, the fake smiles and the saying that everything was okay. Shoving all emotions off to the side and holding on to all our pride. He never plugged in and eventually I pulled away too.  I can't even believe that any of this is real considering I have barricaded myself behind these lies for so long.  What really is the truth? My truth is that I can't do it for one more day.  I can't deny the things that have really happened.  I can not sugar coat all the wrongs so that they are easier to swallow. No more jagged little pills for me.  No more jagged little pills for him.  This is our new reality.  If you think as our friends that this is hard for you to grasp, try being on the inside of all this.  Every day is a battlefield of the mind and most days I feel brain effd.

It's too easy to say sure an resign and go back to the way things were.  Familiar is comforting in many ways.  Familiar was lonely but most days we could make it work.  We masked ourselves from the world so they couldn't see the cracks within.  I am not willing to hide my brokenness anymore, I am not willing to walk alone while he stands beside me.  I am not willing to force him into walking alone with me.

We can forgive AND things CAN change.

We can forgive but we don't have to stay.

Like Jesus but attractive......

Recently I have been asked what my ideal man would be, that is if I were looking (because right now and for the the unforeseeable near/distance future I won't be either).  My answer.............

Fantasy Man

My ideal man would be like Jesus but attractive, well my definition of good looking anyways.  Now this isn't an insult to the Savior of the World but if you have read the book then you know it tells us that...... He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him, Isaiah 53:2.

Since I have covered the moralities of a man by comparing him to Christ, I will just jump on to the physical attributes of a man that I find attractive.

I like men that are tall, not just taller than me, but those that tower over me.

I like men with a full head of hair (salt & pepper) but if a guy can rock a completely bald head I dig that too! I also have a thing for gingers! I like a man to have a short hair style, few men look good with long hair.  If a guy's long hair is prettier than mine, it's a no.  I dig facial hair :) A man with a beard exhibits patience.  The longer the beard the more patience he may have!

I like an man with an athletic build but not ripped.  Skinny men can be cute but aren't my cup of tea.  I want to hug a bear not a bean pole.  Muscular legs are a MUST and I love strong arms.  I think it's sexy when a man has a few wrinkles around his eyes.  I see them as a sign of a man that smiles a lot (the sexiest thing a man can wear is a smile!) and/or that he is a hard worker.  A man should have masculine hands with well groomed nails ( & toenails too).  Yes, I just said that.  If his hands are as soft and dainty as mine, it's a no.  If he bites his nails, it's a no.

Kind eyes.

I dig tattoos.  Not going to lie.  They must be in good taste and only his mama's or child's name should be permanently embedded in his flesh.  Body piercings? Meh, that's a case by case basis.

and a few other things........

He absolutely must have a sense of humor and be able to laugh at himself!!!

He must keep on the positive side of things.  Happiness breeds happiness!

I like a man that can handle his finances.  Money is a tool and he needs to know how to use it wisely (that's Biblical!) We are slaves to our debtors, I prefer to only serve one master and I prefer that of him too.

I want to be romanced.  I do not need to be gushed over continuously but it's nice when someone cares for you so much that put the effort into doing sweet things for you (yes cooking and doing the dishes/housework/laundry count as romantic gestures to me).

I need to feel like a priority and not just something to do when all other options have been exhausted.  I know that I am not perfect but I am a pretty good catch.  He needs to recognize me for it.

I will not stand to be belittled.  I love constructive criticism and as long as the right tone is used I am all to happy to listen and make changes.

I will not stand for a man to put his hands on me in a manner of anything less than loving.

A man must have a good relationship with his mother.  If he respects her, he will respect me.  (Not to be confused with being a mama's boy though).

If he has children, he best be a responsibly involved parent.  No excuses!

So there you have it a synopsis of what I find in my ideal man.  Fantasy man, right.  Quite possibly, but remember I am not looking (or planning on looking).  Who knows?  Fantasy man may just show up when I least expect him too but if he never does, I am good too.  (I have a friend who made a detailed five page list of what she wanted in a man and she landed her Fantasy man!)
I am complete with Christ, anything else is just an addition.  I want to see people through the eyes of Christ, therefore I may get surprised and meet someone completely unlike my Fantasy man (the physically attractive version anyways), and see him through God's rose colored glasses and let him in.