Spoiled Fruit

I have experienced in my lifetime what is it is to be exposed to evil people with evil plans against you.  It's easy to see clearly their intent to cause you harm.  It's those that you see no evil in that do evil to you with twisted lies and half truths that are the ones hard to spot.

I hold no ill will against those that have caused me harm, I desire for their souls to be reunited to the King's heart. This does not mean that I disregard their actions but rather guard my heart against any further infractions from them. This does not mean I separate my love from them, only my presence.

Because you see....

Wicked counsel can come from those that declare their love for you just as fast as those that you know have no love for you.  To be equally yoked comes in more forms than that of being married to someone.  It means to evaluate your friendships and the people you surround yourself with.

We are taught that it is wrong to judge but yet we are told to judge the fruit of a man. This can be a hard line to walk. I have learned this year exactly what the difference is and the line was cut between the two with love.

I learned to not judge the person but to judge the actions of the person. God separates who we are from what we do by the blood of His Son. Mercy is not a crutch for us to sin willingly but rather the grace that sees us through our flesh nature and looks into the intentions of our hearts.

Look carefully into the hearts of those you surround yourself with, judge their fruit.  You are to love them unconditionally but often it is best to love those with spoiled fruit from a great distance.

Side Note for Thought -

Have you ever opened a bag of fruit to find one rotted inside? If so you can see the effects that it has on the fruit around it. Those pieces of fruit that are touching it start to show decay and rot as well. This is what it is like to walk in the council of the ungodly. Their rot will effect you regardless if you see it or not. The rot will touch you and leave it's mark.  Fortunately if caught in time, the rot can be cut away and the fruit still saved for eating.

Monster

Becoming a monster wasn't easy for me at first.  You see it started with one really bad choice and then I fed it with another and then another. That first choice planted the seed and then I fed, watered and watched it grow. I didn't want anyone to know about my monster.  Hell, I didn't even wanna acknowledge that I was growing a monster.

Even so, I became a monster by choice. I was diligent, I worked hard at it. I let it take over my life. I let it cause me to be lost in a world that hated me for being good. So I became like the world, I became the monster it wanted me to be.

In the time it took to grow the monster, I destroyed a marriage, friendships, and the parts of me that made me a good mother.  I became self centered and only looked for the things that I though would be good for me.  I did not take into account that my monster would not only devour me but those around me as well. That it would eat at my very soul and what I was called to be, what God had set me in place to do on this Earth.

A monster only wants to do evil things.  Evil things to itself and to others. It doesn't care about your dreams and visions, all it cares about is feeding itself.

For awhile you can hide the monster.  It looks nice and pretty in it's package but eventually the ugliness of the monster shows.  It shows in your life by your choices, the people you attract and eventually it wears on your physical appearance. When people see your monster, you deny it's existence, you make excuses, you try to hide it.  As it grows inside of you it takes over like a disease. It's like an alcoholic drink. First the person has the drink, then the drink has the drink, then the drink has the person.  It's the same process when your growing a monster inside.

I looked in the mirror one day and realized my monster was showing.  It made me hurry all the quicker to try and hide the monster, but my monster was so big and it was impossible to hide.

You see once you become a monster, there is no beauty in you. There is no beauty to give and there is no beauty to be had. There is no self-control and there is no discipline other than the discipline it takes to keep the monster happy. The monster keeps you in your place, it keeps you on the continuity of being a monster. To be ugly, cold and vicious. It will cause you to tear down others and pull yourself away.  It will cause you to take yourself out of the network of people that love you.

So from one monster to the masses......

Don't feed a choice. Don't water the monster seed. Please don't let a monster take over. God said to think about things that are right, just and pure.  A monster will not think upon those things. It only wants and feeds evil. So guard your heart and guard your thoughts. So as a man thinks, so he is.

I knew I had become a monster but I will be a monster no more.

Know your Worth

So after a few months single and out on the dating scene I have learned a few things.  Like if your immediately creeped out, you should totally excuse yourself within the first five minute and leave.  It won't get better I assure you.  Some men are so handsome and then you realize their looks are all they have to rely on because their brain is filled with rocks. Now I know that sounds horrible to say but sometimes the truth hurts.  There are the guys that are perfect in every sense of the word, unfortunately you haven't met them yet. However...............

I am actually not here to talk about all the things wrong with men that I have learned but rather what I have learned about women that have caused the decline of decent men to be available.  Are you ready for it?  Here is goes........

Women are making it too easy for men these days.

That's right, I said it.  What do I mean by it?  I mean we as women have become so willing to throw everything out there to keep the attention of a man.  Be it scantly dressed, overly sexual in demeanor or having sex with them right off the bat.

We give no chase to the game.  Men are hunters by nature and they enjoy the thrill of the chase.  However, these days it seems that instead of them being satisfied with our presence and getting to know us on a deeper level, if we haven't put out by the first or second date, they move on.

Many men have become lazy in the art of winning a ladies heart. Not to discredit all men in their acts of wooing, but there seem to be such a limited few that appreciate the amount of time, effort and work that go into the makings of a relationship.  A for real relationship, not a "friend" you call when you are feeling lonely or need some "release".

Ladies let's step up our game and not sell ourselves short. Let's give a man the opportunity to woo us, become truly interested and get to know us before we take our clothes off.  Let's be modest in our dress, so that when a man sees us he will not be distracted by us, from our true attributes (you know the kind that are on the inside, the one's that make up our character and personality). If that man isn't showing interest after he realizes he isn't getting "it", he isn't the one for you.  You will weed out the thistles by staying pure to yourself.

The world wants cheap, easy and fast.  Just because they demand it does not mean we have to supply it. Know your worth and demand to be treated in no way less.

You're NOT special

Many emerging adults today seem to have the mind set that the world owes them.  Why do they think this?  Could it possibly be because of the parenting choices they were subjected to?  Do we as parents provide for their needs or fulfill our own need to keep up with the Jones' in order to feel accomplished with ourselves as their parents?  I believe a portion of why our young people feel so entitled is because we have overly catered to them and fed their egos.  Some of them feel entitled because their parents made them that way.

I am tired of the growing trends of overly pampered young adults who are so spoiled they are unable to function in the real world.  It amazes me to no end how very little children are taught to do for themselves these days.  Many children are growing up in home where they are not taught self responsibility by doing laundry, how to properly clean a house or balance a check book and save money.  Why?  Is it possible because their parents have sang their praises for accomplishments on the soccer field?  Heaven forbid you instead spend evenings at home developing their life skills. Now don't take me wrong, sports can be an optimal way of teaching children teamwork and discipline.  Soccer (insert any sport you like here or non-essential extra curricular activity) is great  but it seems that it and any number of other various activities are replacing quality time in the home.  An environment that was meant to cultivate healthy relationships within the family unit.

Parents are running themselves into the ground trying to give it all to everyone.  Paying bills and creating more bills because they want the latest and greatest and instead of saving up for them they charge it. Yet another poor example of good stewardship in front of our kids.  "Oh, you want that, well sure honey let's just put it on my credit card." Meanwhile, you have to work more hours to pay off that credit card.  More hours away from the little people that you wanted so bad to bring into this world and yet have no time left to give them because you spoil them.  So meanwhile your set yourself up to work more than one job to give your children materials that will fade and loose their shine.  Things that will be broken and tossed aside and then look, your precious child's hand turns palm side up and says, "where is my new.....?"  More and more parents are still raising and supporting their adult children and working well into retirement years to pay the bills their children are accumulating.  Enough of the special treatment already.

While I love my children and do my best to provide for their needs and sometimes treat them to something they want, my kids aren't special.  We are a team here at home we all have our own role to play.  My kids are going to have to learn how to work hard to get the things that they need.  Being able to afford what you want is a bonus not a necessity and they are learning that first hand here at home.  My parents thought I was special because I was their child but the world is not going to open it's doors to me jut because I am their child.  The world isn't going to open it's doors to my children because they are mine and I think they are special.  The world doesn't think your special, your just one of the masses so why build your child up to think that the world will cater to them.  It's building a fallacy in them that unfortunately make take them years to realize is false doctrine.

So......

Kudos to you parents out there getting it right.  Parenting is hard ass work!  So to those of you that understand your kids aren't special to the world and are preparing them to function well in society and always bring their A game to the table, I applaud you! To those of you who are raising self-centered egotistical, non-functioning emerging adults, I am sorry for you, your heart-ache has only just begun.

I sat under the stars tonight........

I sat under the stars tonight and smiled because of you,
I smile because I know your under those same stars too.

I fell in love with boy, blonde hair, blue eyes and a crooked smile.

I sat under the stars tonight and felt my heart grow,
I know inside I loved you, how deep you will never know.

I fell in love with a boy, blonde hair, blue eyes and a crooked smile.

I sat under the stars tonight and felt amazed,
I sighed with relief to know my love never strayed.

I fell in love with a boy, blonde hair, blue eyes and a crooked smile.

I sat under the stars tonight and felt blessed,
I am thankful that we two even met.

I fell in love with a boy, blonde hair, blue eyes and a crooked smile.

I sat under the stars tonight and even though we are apart,
I will always save for you a piece of my heart.

I fell in love with a boy, blonde hair, blue eyes and a crooked smile.

So to that boy with blonde hair, blue eyes and a crooked smile,
If you sit under the stars tonight, think of me for awhile.

Catching this Fish

Wanting to be wanted is the most desperate feeling to me these days.  My friends all tell me I am a catch.  I am one picky fish that's for sure and you are going to have to bait the hook with something pretty fabulous to get me to take a real bite at it.

On paper I haven't been single all that long so I may be what someone would call high risk in the dating game.  No one who wants anything serious wants to be someone's rebound.

Here's the thing I really don't know how serious I can even be.  I have a really really really full life between working full time, college full time and three kids.  I don't know how emotionally invested I can afford to become with someone. So I can see where that makes me a risky investment.

Isn't any relationship a risky investment though?  Here we are two people hoping beyond hope that we can make a real connection with another person.  A lasting connection if you will.  It takes a daily commitment to wake up and stay invested in a relationship with someone.  In other words it takes an investment of your time.  Time is not something that I have a lot of left over.


So despite wanting to be wanted and wanting someone special, I understand that the thing that a relationship depends the most on is not something I have left over to give.  So while I may be a great catch, I don't think it's fair for me to ask someone to bait a hook and throw it in my pond, unless the fisherman can understand the value of my limited time, see the beauty of this fish and be willing to invest in us.

Wanting someone to look at me the way he looks at this fish :)

The Loud Voice

The loud voice.........

The loud voice says - come away with me, I will make you feel loved.

The little voice cries - stay with me, learn to love yourself.

The loud voice says - come away with me I will make you feel desired.

The little voice cries - stay with me, you are desired.

The loud voice says - come away with me, I will make you feel beautiful.

The little voice cries - stay with me, you are already beautiful.

The loud voice says - come away with me, I can give you better.

The little voice cries - stay with me, wait here for the best.

The loud voice says - come away with me, you can do it on your own.

The little voice cries - stay with me, you weren't meant to do it all alone.

I listened to the loud voice - I don't feel loved.

I listened to the loud voice - I don't feel desired.

I listened to the loud voice - I don't feel beautiful.

I listened to the loud voice - I don't feel at my best.

I listened to the loud voice and now I am forced to be alone.

When at first you don't succeed at being happy.......try, try again.

Being optimistic in this old world is something of great difficult it seems.  Everyday people get road hard and put away wet (yes I just said that).  Responsibilities are piled as high as the Empire State building!  Life needless to say can be quite overwhelming.  In our business of life and it's responsibilities and choices.  One of those choices is the choice to be happy.  Not just happy but happy no matter what.

Some individuals tend to believe that the right circumstances, people and things can lead to a state of happiness.  I am sad for them.  Happiness is not based on an emotional high, it's based on the decision to stay positive even in the darkest of storms.

Negativity breeds negativity and the same goes for happiness.  Happiness births happiness.  You have the ability to control your thoughts.  As a matter of fact you have the responsibility to.  Think about all the times that you have wanted to scream at someone but you don't.  They may very well deserve your high pitched rant but you know that it will not help the situation if you do, so you don't.  Same can be said of happiness.  Life very well may be throwing everything and the kitchen sink at you but you can choose to catch the sink with a smile on your face.

Even the most optimistic people have hiccups in their happiness.  Hiccups are annoying while they last but they don't last forever.

So here is my challenge to you - choose happiness in the darkest of moments.  Choose to be positive when negativity tries to take over.

When at first you don't succeed at being happy.......try, try again.

If I forgive do I have to stay?

If I forgive do I have to stay?

If I forgive will he or I truly change?

Did he ever really love me? Because I did really love him.  Everyone says that we were the perfect couple and no one saw this coming.  There was nothing perfect about us.  What you saw was what I wanted you to see.  The lies, the fake smiles and the saying that everything was okay. Shoving all emotions off to the side and holding on to all our pride. He never plugged in and eventually I pulled away too.  I can't even believe that any of this is real considering I have barricaded myself behind these lies for so long.  What really is the truth? My truth is that I can't do it for one more day.  I can't deny the things that have really happened.  I can not sugar coat all the wrongs so that they are easier to swallow. No more jagged little pills for me.  No more jagged little pills for him.  This is our new reality.  If you think as our friends that this is hard for you to grasp, try being on the inside of all this.  Every day is a battlefield of the mind and most days I feel brain effd.

It's too easy to say sure an resign and go back to the way things were.  Familiar is comforting in many ways.  Familiar was lonely but most days we could make it work.  We masked ourselves from the world so they couldn't see the cracks within.  I am not willing to hide my brokenness anymore, I am not willing to walk alone while he stands beside me.  I am not willing to force him into walking alone with me.

We can forgive AND things CAN change.

We can forgive but we don't have to stay.

Like Jesus but attractive......

Recently I have been asked what my ideal man would be, that is if I were looking (because right now and for the the unforeseeable near/distance future I won't be either).  My answer.............

Fantasy Man

My ideal man would be like Jesus but attractive, well my definition of good looking anyways.  Now this isn't an insult to the Savior of the World but if you have read the book then you know it tells us that...... He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him, Isaiah 53:2.

Since I have covered the moralities of a man by comparing him to Christ, I will just jump on to the physical attributes of a man that I find attractive.

I like men that are tall, not just taller than me, but those that tower over me.

I like men with a full head of hair (salt & pepper) but if a guy can rock a completely bald head I dig that too! I also have a thing for gingers! I like a man to have a short hair style, few men look good with long hair.  If a guy's long hair is prettier than mine, it's a no.  I dig facial hair :) A man with a beard exhibits patience.  The longer the beard the more patience he may have!

I like an man with an athletic build but not ripped.  Skinny men can be cute but aren't my cup of tea.  I want to hug a bear not a bean pole.  Muscular legs are a MUST and I love strong arms.  I think it's sexy when a man has a few wrinkles around his eyes.  I see them as a sign of a man that smiles a lot (the sexiest thing a man can wear is a smile!) and/or that he is a hard worker.  A man should have masculine hands with well groomed nails ( & toenails too).  Yes, I just said that.  If his hands are as soft and dainty as mine, it's a no.  If he bites his nails, it's a no.

Kind eyes.

I dig tattoos.  Not going to lie.  They must be in good taste and only his mama's or child's name should be permanently embedded in his flesh.  Body piercings? Meh, that's a case by case basis.

and a few other things........

He absolutely must have a sense of humor and be able to laugh at himself!!!

He must keep on the positive side of things.  Happiness breeds happiness!

I like a man that can handle his finances.  Money is a tool and he needs to know how to use it wisely (that's Biblical!) We are slaves to our debtors, I prefer to only serve one master and I prefer that of him too.

I want to be romanced.  I do not need to be gushed over continuously but it's nice when someone cares for you so much that put the effort into doing sweet things for you (yes cooking and doing the dishes/housework/laundry count as romantic gestures to me).

I need to feel like a priority and not just something to do when all other options have been exhausted.  I know that I am not perfect but I am a pretty good catch.  He needs to recognize me for it.

I will not stand to be belittled.  I love constructive criticism and as long as the right tone is used I am all to happy to listen and make changes.

I will not stand for a man to put his hands on me in a manner of anything less than loving.

A man must have a good relationship with his mother.  If he respects her, he will respect me.  (Not to be confused with being a mama's boy though).

If he has children, he best be a responsibly involved parent.  No excuses!

So there you have it a synopsis of what I find in my ideal man.  Fantasy man, right.  Quite possibly, but remember I am not looking (or planning on looking).  Who knows?  Fantasy man may just show up when I least expect him too but if he never does, I am good too.  (I have a friend who made a detailed five page list of what she wanted in a man and she landed her Fantasy man!)
I am complete with Christ, anything else is just an addition.  I want to see people through the eyes of Christ, therefore I may get surprised and meet someone completely unlike my Fantasy man (the physically attractive version anyways), and see him through God's rose colored glasses and let him in.

The wealthiest woman alive!

I am blessed to have really amazing friends.  The kind of friends that you can actually screw up (like a whole lot and multiple times over!!!!) and they are still standing next to you.  I have a plethera of pals, friends, close friends, best friends and then there is the inner circle.

My inner circle is enough to make a basketball team but without substitution options and I would be the coach.  (If you don't know anything about basketball what I just said will make no sense to you.)  My inner circle consist of a rare breed of friends.  The kind of friends that will help you bury a body and never say a word.  I wish I was lying but it's totally been offered!  I want to give a shout out to these special few.....

(TG) - I have known of this girl since high school.  Back then we didn't run in the same circle.   A little over a year ago, she moved into our neighborhood and she is totally in my inner circle now.  The special thing about her is that she gets me, like all of me even the really jacked up parts of me.  She listens to me talk in circles and has never, ever, ever smacked me for being stupid (I still haven't figured out what has restrained her!)  She has stood beside me and never made me second guess any decision I have made, even if it's been a bad one.  We are so connected in spirit that even if I haven't talked to her in a couple of days and she doesn't know I am feeling down, she texts me inspirational quotes to lift my spirit at the just the right times.   Everytime!!!!!  Only someone in tune with you has that ability.  I totally heart the sh*t outta her!

(BJ) - This beautiful red head stole my heart at a birthday party for a mutual friends daughter.  She came into my life at a time that I was losing the woman that I had considered not only my best friend but my only friend.  It's in my friendship with her that I found healing and that I could open myself up to people once more.  I wouldn't have any friends if I didn't have her friendship.  When I screw up (like really bad) she is the one that I am scared to fess up to because her opinion of me matters so much.  She has kept the Lord's ear chalked full of prayer for me.  We have experienced several loses together this past year, in those loses our hearts have grown even more close.  If I ever ended up in jail, she'd be the first I'd call to bail me out. (Let's face it, I would probably end up there at some point with three maybe four outta the five other people I list here today).  She has never judged me.  She has only loved me.  I totally heart the sh*t outta her!

(JB) - Then I come to this next tall drink of cool water.  I've known her for all her life.  She is legit in my family circle (like blood related and all!).  We were not close as children, although we do have a few epic stories that we can tell on each other ;P  Not only does she respect me but she sees me, the real me the no bullsh@t me.  The mouthy, sassy awesome me and she loves me for just who I am.  A smart @ss!  When her heart hurts my heart hurts.  If someone breaks her heart I want to break their face.  Yeah, that's how intense my love for her is.  I love her kids like they are my own!  One day we are going to be two old bitty's together doing some epic people watching!  I totally heart the sh*t outta her!

(MB) - So there is this one guy mixed in with all these amazing women and I think he is pretty amazing too!  I've known him for almost 20 years.  We had lost touch for a huge portion of that time but once he was back in the picture in my heart it was like he never left.  He is a voice of reason for me and his claim to be a realist is spot on.  His words have helped me to see some things in a different way.  He has spoken words that have helped me to accept that my circumstances are changing and that I will be able to adapt.  I get to say what I want and how I want and he doesn't take it the wrong way, twist my words or make me feel bad for having absolute melts downs over the small things like putting my kids back into public school and getting a job for the first time in eight years.  He teases me plenty enough for being a girl but his level and my level of sarcasm are spot on.  We get each other.  I totally heart the sh*t outta him!

And finally but so not least....

(JP) - I met this lady last semester in my UI100 class.  She was the other "old" lady in a classroom of fresh outta high school babies.  We quickly became pals.  She is so beautiful and I fear she fails to see it.  She has the singing voice of an angel and I am always bragging on her!!!  She is a tough cookie and I admire her for it!  She totally calls me on my crap!  Another thing I love about her.  We've only been pals such a short while but I am sure that we are going to have years of great shinanighans to come!  Of the five here, I am pretty sure she is the one I would end up in jail with first (MB would be my second guess but we'd end up there for far different reasons).  I seen her get mouthy with a broad over the way the lady talked to her friend (TG would do the same thing).  She is the kind of friend that you want to have your back! I totally heart the sh*t outta her!

There you have it.  My inner circle and if you didn't know before that five members make up a playable team in basketball, well you do now.  I have many other close friends that I am plugged in with and I consider to be very near and dear but these five are my peeps that I am totally in love with.  The people I would do anything in the world for.  It's my prayer that each of you have an inner circle of your own.  Each person in your life brings strength (sometimes a weakness or two even) but the good friends, I mean the really, really exceptional ones, only add value to your life.  If I only had these five people, I would be the wealthiest woman alive.  

Multiplied by the years to come........

We have moved into an area that we are friends and civil and because of this we can talk openly and honestly about the division of our assets.  This being said it makes me reflect on the value that I have brought into this relationship and what valuables I will be walking away with.

We have accumulated many things together, two cars, a house filled with everything you need to have to meet the needs of a family and various objects that hold monetary value as well.  I am not here to talk about the materialistic things that we are splitting.  I am wanting to fill you in on the things that we are walking away with that hold no monetary value.

Our children, we walk away with the lives of our children being added to us.

Pickle came via a very long and hard delivery in April of 2003.  She was perfect and exactly what I prayed for.  A little girl that looked like her daddy :)  She is brilliant and stubborn just like me and her father.  While beautiful on the outside, her inner beauty shines so much brighter.  She will be a better woman than I can ever hope to be.

Our Sonshine came in August 2005, an easy delivery but with almost devastating results.  His cord was wrapped twice around his neck.  He was born beyond the color blue.  We are thankful he is with us.  His love for other people and sensitivity to the spirit of God is beyond his years.  He is handsome to a fault and this is one M
omma that will use a stick to beat the girls off of him!

Peanut was an anniversary gift I didn't get to hold until nine months later in October 2006 ;) She has been the most wonderful surprise that two parents could ask for.  She is spunky with too much sass.  She is nurturing and affectionate.  Her passion for life is contagious!

Our precious baby Jack, is loved just as much but his/her journey was to be lived out in heaven beginning in March of 2010.  Never has my heart been so burdened and for so long.  I was angry at myself, David, God and the world for at minimum a year after our lose.  I dream of holding my baby often and long for the day that we are reunited again.

I am thankful to David for giving me the gift of motherhood.  While he may have stayed gone when they were little and failed to change diapers as much as I and my brother did, he gave me four amazing children.  I wouldn't have them without him.  While we work out the details of what monetary assets we divide between us, we both know that we will never have to split the love and adoration of our children.  Our children's time may split between us but our love for them will only ever be multiplied by the years to come.

A boy offered me a ride today........

That's right you heard me, a boy offered me a ride today....it was totally evident that he was hitting on me and I am not one that is going to get in a car with just anybody!  Let's just say.......I chose to walk!

I've ridden in cars with boys before.  The last time I was 19 and he was 18, I got in that car and never got out. (Well at least not until a couple of months ago)  He went from a boy to a man and I from a girl to a woman.  It's been one wild ride for the past fourteen years!!!

Fast forward to today.......

This boy is incredibly cute.  He's tall and dark with a beautiful smile and he is as hilarious as me.  What not to like right?  I am sure to some girl someday he is going to make an incredible boyfriend/husband/significant other but not this woman.  Now don't get me wrong here, it's incredibly flattering to have a handsome younger man find you attractive.  After all, he is a man in his own right, he's 22 (see totally legal!).

Now if I could take that 22 year old boy, add at least 12 years to him along with life experiences, hardships and the basic ups and downs of life, then maybe just maybe he'd have a shot.  It's called maturity and I am sorry if it ruffles feathers but who you are at 20 and who you are at 30 are and will be completely different people.  Hence why I am always telling people to not get married until they are in their thirties or close to it.

By the time you reach thirty, more than likely you have established yourself in a career or at least know what you want to do with your life and where you want to be or go.  You know what you want out of life.  Your direction is so much more clear.  You have a better grasp on how to establish upfront what you are wanting in a relationship and how a relationship can add to your life.  When your twenty your still trying to figure all that stuff out and it's hard to know who you are if you are wrapped up in another person and who they are to you.

Back to present day..........if I were to take a ride with someone.......it would be with a man.  What makes up a man in my eyes is a story for another day.  In the mean time, I won't be riding with boys in cars no matter how cute/nice/funny/sweet/intelligent he is because I can drive my own d@mn self .

I hate you.....I know sweetheart

I hate you!  Your the worst mom ever!  I never wanted you!

Those are the little phrases my 11 year old decided to use against me today.  I remember the first time she said them, she was five and was being discipled for poor behavior.  I was left feeling raw, hurt and my heart was bleeding.  Here I was trying to guide and protect my greatest of love objects and she hated me.  I cried for an hour that day.  

Not today though.

She's growing up and trying to find her way and place in this big scary world.  She is going to lash out because she's upset and her hormones are taking over.  Little things, like me buying the right clothes one day, will be the wrong the next.  She will be unsatisfied with my choices as her parent.  She will feel distant from me and some days it all she will do is cry.

Through all of those times, I will stand here firm in knowing that I know she loves me.  I know she knows that I love her.  That I make parenting choices based on her needs and my desire to protect her and do what is right for her.  I know I am not a bad mom and she does too.

There will be more days like today to come but one day she will be grown and look back and say.............Mom I never hated you.  I will wrap her in my arms and say I know sweetheart.  

Yielding to the unplanned....

I am a planner by nature.  I like organization....like A LOT!  I love checklists. Recently I've been learning to live by the seat of my pants on the edge of unplanned chaos.  Guess what?  I am kinda learning to like it....well maybe not totally but it's definitely growing on me.

Although I am muddling my way through learning how to make snap decisions and be flexible, I tend to always revert back to my own natural ways.  I project as much as possible so that I make the best use of my time.

It is not uncommon for me to make plans weeks, months and even a year or so in advance.  Often it is difficult to pencil in last minute adventures because I have already booked myself out, a month of weekends and then some in advance.

Here I am with about five weeks of classes left this semester and I am already setting up my schedule for the fall.  Alongside picking out classes, I have it in the back of my head how much I will need to work to pay the bills and how I can balance my work schedule with my school schedule so that I can meet the needs of my children.

Moving into singledom is daunting and hard.  Old securities are being removed and I am having to make new ones.  A few of the old plans are still in place but new ones are filtering their way in too.  I am learning to be flexible in my decisions and that not everything is so cut and dry.

While I will always be a planner, super organized and yes I will still have check
lists, I "plan" on being more yielding to the "unplanned".

They lied!!!

A recent conversation with one of my favorite people in this world went something like this......

Grow up they say.....it will be great!.....they lied!

Growing up is inevitable.  There is no choice in the matter.  Wait, yes there is because even though some peoples chronological age advances their mentality doesn't.  So my advice is pick a healthy balance and grow old gracefully.

Get a job they say.....it will be great!.....they lied!

Getting a job is inevitable.  There is no choice in the matter. Wait, yes there is because some people refuse to carry their own weight and actually work for a living.  My advice is get a job that you like and make a career of it.

 

Get married they say....it will be great!....they lied!

Getting married is inevitable.  There is no choice in the matter.  Wait, yes there is because some people decide that commitment to another person forever is just more than they can give. My advice don't marry unless you are willing to work hard at it everyday of your life until death do you part.

Have kids they say....it will be great!.....they lied!

Having kids is inevitable.  There is no choice in the matter.  Wait, yes there is because some people decide to never procreate.  God bless those people because while they are out living free from parental responsibilities they are also missing out on the biggest blessings that they can ever experience.  They will never know how it feels to look down at a face that they brought into this world.  They will never experience the overwhelming emotions of love and adoration for another person.  So much love that you feel you could burst at the seams.  So my advice, have kids (well have at least one anyways). Experience the joy of knowing what it is like to wear your heart on the outside of your body.  You won't regret it!

Powerless to no one.

The power of the people in our lives comes from us.  It the amount of power we choose to give them.  Why do we allow people to have so much control over our lives?  Why do we feel compelled to give certain people more power in our lives than others?

We teach people how to treat us.  Most often we fail to establish boundaries early on with people.  Perhaps this comes from our inability to distinguish what healthy boundaries are in the first place.  So many people are looking for someone or something to fill the void they feel in their hearts. A void not meant to be filled by emotions.

People are fooled by emotions, they want to feel good about themselves and who they are with.  They let the strong feelings take over and they miss all the markers that they should step back and take a breath.  People inherently do not want to be alone, so they settle for less than they want or deserve just to fill the void.

We lie to ourselves, we make excuses for them and for our own behavior.  We think we are the exception and that somehow this person is going to be different with us then they were with those that came before us.  Why do we do this?  Because we have failed to establish boundaries with ourselves.

Boundaries with ourselves will carry over and allow us to establish them with the people in our lives.  Our self imposed boundaries will help us to keep an even keel of power between ourselves and others.  People will no longer be able to make you feel less than you are.  No one will be able to make you feel powerless to them.

I for one am learning how to establish boundaries with myself.  I am setting down and making myself a list of how I want to be treated and I will settle for nothing less.  I will love myself first so that I may love others wholly.  I will respect myself so that others will respect me.  If ever someone special comes into my life (in the future) they will know exactly where I stand.  I will lead them by example of how to treat me, because I will treat myself well first.  They will see how to love me, because I will love me first.  The will know how to respect me, because I will have self respect.  All of that said, they too will have to be able to set boundaries with me.  If they can't, then they are not the one  I will choose to be with.  Because I will be powerless to no one and no one will be powerless to me.

I fell in love with a girl....

I fell in love with a girl and here are a few reasons why...................

I love the way she looks at me.  She doesn't care about the flaws on my body left over from eating my emotions in the past, having three babies and not taking care of myself.

I have known her to be over zealous and pushy.  She still can be those things but I have found that she is learning to keep them in check. I love that she is growing as a person.

I love that she is adventurous!  If it can be done and it doesn't hurt or misguide someone, she is up for the challenge!

I love her feet!  She has really pretty feet that have taken her places other dare not tread and will continue to carry her into her future.

I love her ability to love people with her whole heart from the minute she meets them!  Everyone is given equal opportunity to succeed or fail with her. Even if you fail, she is full of second chances.

I love that she adores my children and would sacrifice herself to make their dreams come true.  She will sacrifice her own happiness to make sure that they have security, trust and love in their lives.

I love that she isn't afraid to embarrass herself in front of people and can laugh it off with the best of them!

I could go on and on about all the things I love about this incredible woman that I have fallen for because you see.......

Yes I fell in love with a girl..............and that girl is me!

Never too late....

Remember that one friend that you thought you would never loose but do?  Beth was mine.  BFF's from junior high through high school.  We made BIG plans for after we graduated high school.  We were going to move to New York City and make it big!  Well that was the plan anyways and then he happened.  I have no desire to talk about who he was.  If you were with me then, then you will remember who he was.  We (me and her) let his words and actions tear our friendship apart and after graduation, I stayed and she left.

Fast forward 12 years later and she takes the opportunity to find me.  It's the best feeling in the world for someone you once loved and adored to find you once more.  After tears, hugs and lots of catching up, she throws out this, "Your life is nothing like I pictured it would be."  I was taken back and asked her to elaborate, and she did.

OUCH!  She said it ever so loving but she said it in such a way that I knew that she knew there was so much more I should be doing with myself.  Here is the girl that knew me as well as I knew myself and she was the only one between us that loved me enough to not lie to me.  Like I had been lying to myself for years.  I decided then and there to love myself again and be who I was meant to be. I knew it was time to stop hiding.  So a new journey began......

Here we are three years later and I have managed to make drastic changes.  Changes that are moving me in the direction that I wanted to travel all those years ago.  No I am not moving to New York but the dreams I once had let go of are rising back up in me and I know that I have every opportunity to make them happen, even though I am starting 15 years late  later.

The path is harder now than it could have been if I had traveled it back then.  However, this journey is worth the sacrifice and I am excited for what is to come.  The future is not yet set in stone but I am living with no regrets, wish-I-hads, could-have-beens, should-have-dones, etc.......

If you can relate.  Re-evaluate, re-affirm and re-enlist back into your own life!  Because.............

     "It is never too late to be what you might                    have been." - George Eliot
     

LOCOmotive

This blog was started as a school assignment last semester.  I have guest blogged in the past and through that found that I really enjoy putting my words out there for others to enjoy, despise, live by or dismiss. I fully intend to pick up this blog torch and burn through it like overly price camp firewood! So on with the show............................

Listen friends, I will fail you and probably multiple times.  Not because I want or intend to but because...get this.....like you I am human.  I am flawed...like A LOT!  I have all these incredible qualities mixed in with some that are not so great.  I have been playing the super hero for far to long.  In reality I am just a Clark Kent (well a female version anyways).  A nerdy, book smart, intelligent mom (and some say a walking encyclopedia of fun but completely useless facts).

I can't fix your problems, I can't heal your pain.  I can be your friend and walk along side you and prop you up when you need me to but I can't fix you.  I can't even fix myself (although I really try to act like I can).  Right now parts of me are a hot mess and from the outside looking in I am sure I look like I have boarded the cray cray train and bought the ticket that lets you stay on board.......forever.  I assure you I will exit this LOCOmotive sooner than later :)

I've drawn a line in the sand with someone that I have built a life with for the past ?? years.  Anyone who has been here knows how extremely difficult this journey is......I am not here to sugar coated anything.....this crap sucks!!!  It's like this......You have peace and know what you are doing is the right thing, but everyone else treats you like your making the biggest mistake of your life!  I assure you, I have made bigger and I am sure there are more to be made.

Here I am stumbling through this incredibly intense life struggle where I feel like I am being water boarded every single day.  While I struggle between the few gasps of air I manage to get, I some how gain clarity in the moments in between.  Sounds sadistic I know, but through all of this I am actually learning to breath under water!

For those of you choosing to love me through all of this, THANK YOU!!! I know it's hard right now and I appreciate your patience with me.  Especially this one pal......who totally gets the full down load of my crazy thought process (like on a daily basis and sometimes more than once a day, LOL).  If it wasn't friends like you I'd totally be completely bona fide insane!!!

In the mean time dear ones, I am going to keep on trucking.  Life is short and my list is long!!!