Monster

Becoming a monster wasn't easy for me at first.  You see it started with one really bad choice and then I fed it with another and then another. That first choice planted the seed and then I fed, watered and watched it grow. I didn't want anyone to know about my monster.  Hell, I didn't even wanna acknowledge that I was growing a monster.

Even so, I became a monster by choice. I was diligent, I worked hard at it. I let it take over my life. I let it cause me to be lost in a world that hated me for being good. So I became like the world, I became the monster it wanted me to be.

In the time it took to grow the monster, I destroyed a marriage, friendships, and the parts of me that made me a good mother.  I became self centered and only looked for the things that I though would be good for me.  I did not take into account that my monster would not only devour me but those around me as well. That it would eat at my very soul and what I was called to be, what God had set me in place to do on this Earth.

A monster only wants to do evil things.  Evil things to itself and to others. It doesn't care about your dreams and visions, all it cares about is feeding itself.

For awhile you can hide the monster.  It looks nice and pretty in it's package but eventually the ugliness of the monster shows.  It shows in your life by your choices, the people you attract and eventually it wears on your physical appearance. When people see your monster, you deny it's existence, you make excuses, you try to hide it.  As it grows inside of you it takes over like a disease. It's like an alcoholic drink. First the person has the drink, then the drink has the drink, then the drink has the person.  It's the same process when your growing a monster inside.

I looked in the mirror one day and realized my monster was showing.  It made me hurry all the quicker to try and hide the monster, but my monster was so big and it was impossible to hide.

You see once you become a monster, there is no beauty in you. There is no beauty to give and there is no beauty to be had. There is no self-control and there is no discipline other than the discipline it takes to keep the monster happy. The monster keeps you in your place, it keeps you on the continuity of being a monster. To be ugly, cold and vicious. It will cause you to tear down others and pull yourself away.  It will cause you to take yourself out of the network of people that love you.

So from one monster to the masses......

Don't feed a choice. Don't water the monster seed. Please don't let a monster take over. God said to think about things that are right, just and pure.  A monster will not think upon those things. It only wants and feeds evil. So guard your heart and guard your thoughts. So as a man thinks, so he is.

I knew I had become a monster but I will be a monster no more.